Iris' Birth Story.

It all began during the first week of December, when I started having small contractions. When I went to my doctor's appointment on December 8th my doctor was certain I would not make it through the weekend. Saturday the 10th my contractions picked up but were still very manageable, but I was having terrible back labor pains. My doctor said I should just go to the hospital to get checked. I stayed for a couple of hours and went home. I went in for my doctor's appointment the next week and the baby was measuring big and they were getting concerned. Wren, my first baby, was 8lbs 11oz and it was very difficult to deliver her.
My doctor was scheduled for that Saturday, December 17th - so we decided to come in and be induced. We woke up December 17th to the most beautiful, magical snow. We got to the hospital and I walked laps for an hour or two hoping to start up the real labor naturally but alas I was put on the pitocen. I recall having some bigger contractions but not too bad yet and saying "I just want to be in excruciating pain already!" well careful what you wish for - haha. Those contractions picked up like a switch was flipped and were coming fast and furious in no time. I was doing well with the pain for a few hours. But they were every 2 minutes for HOURS. There are no words to explain the overwhelming pain. I felt like I was getting close so I had them check me and I was still at 5 cm. I was devastated. The light at the end of the tunnel dimmed. I decided to have the epidural. I labored forever with Wren so I assumed that's what I was in for. It took another hour for the anesthesiologist to come in and then it took 3 tries for them to get it in my spine. For 45 minutes I had to be perfectly still while having these mega-contractions every 2 minutes while they insert that needle into my back. Daniel was holding my hands and I just zeroed on in his touch and tried to forget I was in my body. Finally they got it in. I was on my side trying to relax but I wasn't feeling the relief I was hoping for. I still felt SO MUCH PRESSURE. About 20 minutes after the epidural I had them check the bed because I thought I was going #2 but they were like "It's time to push!" Mentally I was not prepared but it was go time. Three quick pushes and she was here. 

Our sweet, perfect 
Iris Matilda Zia Zimman 
was born at 6:35pm December 17, 2016 

7lbs 6oz and 20.5"

She was so small! It turns out my placenta was enormous. They took it away for a biopsy. But Iris and I were both wonderful and healthy. Despite the afterbirth complications and extra blood loss I have been bouncing back so quickly this time around.

Iris is a fiery little thing. She is already living up to her name, Matilda is Germanic and means might/strength/strong in battle. Zia is Hebrew and Arabic, in Hebrew it means to quake, and in Arabic it means light/splendor. She has a voracious appetite and loves to be the in the middle of the action. She is so sweet, squishy and cuddly. She truly loves the snuggles. She already smiles a ton at six weeks old and I swear she laughed. I can already tell she's strong willed and is going to march to the beat of her own drum. 

We love you Iris!!!!
Xo.

My Postpartum Must Haves // Preserving My Style.

First off I want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for the out pour of support I received from the Postpartum // What No One Tells You post. It's so nice to be reminded that I am so not alone in this. I have gotten so many kind words and so much love and I appreciate it so much. It's really helped me stay motivated and keep positive.

I think a lot of women, myself included, find it so tempting to live in sweats and stay at home after having a baby. But it's important to get back out in the world. I always feel better after being outside. It's important to meet friends for lunch, run errands, go for a walk...just get back out there.

But as I have mentioned before, getting dressed and feeling good can be challenging for a new mother. I wanted to share some pieces that have been working for me and making me feel good postpartum. They have been so helpful in feeling confident and keeping me from meltdowns when I am getting ready. 

Faux Leather Legging. 

It's easy to wear leggings everyday. But it also gets boring and it's barely a step away from sweat pants. I need some variety and the luxurious finish of some faux leather spices it up. Spanx makes a great pair that holds you in and shaves off a few pounds. These are great because you can get spit up on them and they are easy to wash and you feel like you aren't living in leggings everyday. The faux leather makes me feel so much more stylish and put together than just plain old jersey. 

Romantic Tunic.

If you follow my blog it's no secret that Free People is my spirit brand, and lucky for me they make some great tunics. I love this Free People Retro Print Tunic. It really makes me feel like me but hides all the parts of me I am embarrassed about. I can also breastfeed really easily in the top. It's great layered under a leather jacket or sweater too. 

Oversized Button Down.

An oversized button down shirt is a must have for any new mom. This Chambray one from Madewell is a great option. It's comfortable, they come in a range of prints and styles, and provide easy access for breastfeeding. I usually enjoy wearing my husband's shirts but with my enlarged breasts and wider hips they just aren't fitting well. I recommend getting shirts made for women but in the 'boyfriend' fit. They accommodate a woman's figure but I still feel like I put on one of Daniel's shirts. 

Oversized Sweater.

I have been living in a thin, oversized, black sweater. I love the hemline on this one I found on Shopbop. I prefer a thin one because I tend to overheat. I can always layer it with a scarf or coat. It pairs well with faux leather leggings for a modern look. It makes me feel chic and sophisticated, which is a great success for anyone with an infant. 

Loose Maxi Dress.

I'm nowhere near wearing anything form fitting on the mid section. A loose fitting maxi dress like this  Free People Sophie Dress adds length to my stature and has a billowy silhouette without looking like a potato sack.  I am also a fan of the flirty slits and pockets.

Moto Ankle Boots.

Since being pregnant, I've sort of veered away from my usual sky high shoes. But I don't want to compromise all of my style for comfort. I've been sporting lots of boots. I love these Modern Vice Moto Handler Boots. The zippers add a bit of edge that keeps me from feeling like a frumpy mom. 

Natural Make Up

I've proclaimed my love of lipstick many times, but I love smooching on baby girl even more. I've been really into a "bare" look with just a touch of eyeliner. A sweep of eyeliner gives my face a little definition and doesn't take very long to apply. I've been loving Smashbox Limitless Long Wear Lip Gloss in Endless.  

Easy Hair. 

Most days I opt to throw on a fedora or beanie rather than deal with my hair. But I'm striving to do more simple half up dos and quick braids. I've also been into a glossy, shinier look. I've been loving Bumble and Bumble City Swept Finish. 

Stud Earrings.

I have been relying heavily on my accessories. I love jewelry. It's a big part of who I am. I don't feel like myself without it. I've had to make some compromises with my staple pieces. No more long necklaces and no more big, dangly earrings. At first I was bummed about the earrings but I've managed to find some amazing stud earrings, like these Delicate Rhinestone Ear Climbers from u/o. I think even once I can return to my dangly earrings I will occasionally opt for some of the studs, they've really grown on me. I've been wearing stacks of bracelets and piling on the rings, careful not too wear any big baubles that can scratch or get caught on my sweet baby. As long as I can rock some of my treasures and charms I still feel like my regular old self. 

I'm working my way back to jeans and form fitting silhouettes but until then these finds are really getting me by. It's been tricky finding the balance of being a mama and staying true to myself. I feel like I'm getting into that sweet spot to eventually get my groove back. 

Postpartum // What Nobody Tells You

So I've been avoiding my blog the last couple months. Motherhood is wonderful but I'm having a hard time with myself. Everyone tells you about the exhaustion and how much you'll love your baby, but no one tells you that after birth it still feels like you're in someone else's body. So I'm going to break the silence and share my experience. Hopefully it will help other women out there to not feel so alone. I applied lotion and oil constantly and worked out a lot during my pregnancy walking 2-4 miles and lots of yoga, I ate really healthy but I still gained 55 lbs and got lots of stretch marks. I don't know what I could have done more. I didn't have one stretch mark until the last two weeks of my pregnancy and then they came like moths to a flame. I lost 25 lbs in the first two weeks postpartum. But these last 30 lbs do not want to leave. I haven't been able to muster up much courage to be in front of the camera. And when I do feel courageous I'm horrified at the images. I feel like my usual self until I look in the mirror or get dressed. Getting dressed can be traumatizing at times. Nothing looks right, nothing fits right. Daniel has been so kind and patient with me - when we go anywhere. I change at least five times trying to find something that makes me feel good. He always tells me how beautiful I am but I can't even hear it. I say that's nice of you to say, but I know I am a whale. I really want to break away from this self-criticism and treat myself how I would a friend. But it's so difficult. 

As a woman I think it's very important to feel pretty and feel like yourself. My breasts, with breastfeeding have gone up to DDDs, I have stretch marks on my stomach and my hips, I have a bit of loose skin still, my arms are still thick from pregnancy, my face is fuller, my hips are wider...I know it's only three months out but still. I'm currently a stay at home mom, which I feel so lucky be. I love being with my daughter. She is a ray of light, and brings me so much happiness. I'm constantly changing diapers and being spit up on and she pulls my hair regardless if it's up or down. Between my motherly duties and the physical changes I feel like I'm being stripped of my identity. I am clinging to myself with every ounce of strength I have. I refuse to cut my hair or wear "mom jeans" and generally abandon the person I used to be. I believe my old self and new self can live together. Motherhood transforms you in so many ways, emotionally and mentally I find it to be pretty spectacular. But I am really struggling with the physical changes. It's weird because I think of being a mother as the ultimate celebration of femininity, yet I've never felt more asexual in my life. The breastfeeding makes me feel like a cow, literally. My breasts are no longer sexy to me at all. I hide them constantly in over sized shirts and sweaters. I don't even want my husband to look at them. In time I know I will get back to feeling like myself again. But in the meantime it's not easy...

On a positive note, I absolutely love having a baby. I can't even begin to describe the love and happiness she brings me. She is such a happy baby with the sweetest little soul. She smiles at me all day long. She is pure magic. There is no greater joy than holding her in my arms. It's so amazing to look at her and see Daniel and I swirled together in this gorgeous little person. My love for her grows exponentially every day. In three months she has already grown and changed so much and it's such a privilege to watch. Her personality emerges more and more with each passing day. She is sweet, smart, funny and strong. I really want to improve my relationship with myself so I can be a good example for her. I don't want her to be insecure or to hate on her body. I want her to love herself because she is perfect exactly the way she is. Motherhood definitely drives me to try to be the best version of myself. And I hope in time I can look at myself and see that I, too, am perfect exactly the way I am.