I'm now in the third trimester so I still have a little ways to go. But so far I can't get past how strange and totally normal it feels to be pregnant. A woman's body literally goes though about a hundred changes.
Most of the physical ones are obvious. Your abdomen bulges more and more - your breasts get fuller(and even start producing colostrum) - your ligaments loosen - your hips widen - you retain a lot of water at times - you gain weight. Luckily for me I never really had any morning sickness. I felt queasy for two days but that was it. I did suffer from sciatic pain a lot near the end of the first trimester. I definitely waddle around these days. Sleeping has become harder due to the fact that I can't seem to ever get comfortable. The lack of sleep is making my energy level drop, and making it harder for me to keep up with my exercise. I put a lot of pressure on myself to stay physical and when I have a string of days in a row where I just feel too tired, I beat myself up and feel guilty for not pushing myself harder to get out there. I try to go for my usual 2.5 mile walk even when I'm tired because I know the physical activity will help me be tired enough to sleep regardless of how uncomfortable I feel. It's a tough cycle I am currently in.
The mental and emotional changes are harder to pin point and verbalize, and I'm sure vary widely from woman to woman. For me, I wasn't expecting to be pregnant so quickly, so there was a period of denial and ultimately acceptance at the beginning. The thought of giving birth seemed impossible and it really took some time for me to deal with the fact it was something I was going to face, and soon. I, now, feel pretty confident about giving birth - even entertaining the idea of having a natural childbirth. But, you have no control of how it will happen, so I am staying open to all of the ways it could ultimately go down.
I have meditated and thought so much about becoming a mother and what it means. It's an incredible responsibility but also such an honor and blessing. It is my job to take this pure little soul and introduce her to the whole world. To teach her what it is to be human, to be alive and to be a part of this time and place. It's a job I take with enormous weight. In today's day and age I have so many fears for her. Technology alone seems like such an uphill battle. I see so many parents today just shoving iPads at their children rather than talking, interacting and entertaining them. I am sure I will have my moments too, but I hope to instill a love for the outdoors and creativity. I don't want her to spend all of her time inside on a computer. When I was a kid we played outside until the sun was setting on our bikes with the neighbors, and I hope that my kid gets to experience that too. One of my biggest goals is to inspire and facilitate a communion with nature and animals. I worry what the world will be like when she's an adult. Which is why I find it so imperative for her to experience as much of the world as she can while she is young. So she can at least have the memories of clean(ish) oceans, forests, wild and raw nature.
I hope to do a lot of traveling with her. Traveling all over the world was such an inspiring thing for me. Sometimes the world seems so big, but when you get out there you see how small it really is. How people all over are still just people. Seeing different countries, some people better off and others not so much, made me so deeply grateful for what I have and helped me realize what I think is important in life. Experiencing new places teaches you about life in such deep, profound ways. I really want her to experience that.
The hardest part of pregnancy so far for me has been that you just have to face every emotion and feeling you have (and trust me there are about a hundred different ones in any given minute) head on. There's no numbing your feelings or running from your emotions. You have to just feel and face it all, everyday, over and over again. It's frustrating and enlightening all at once. All my goals, all my fears, everything rational and irrational alike. I really feel quite triumphant for dealing with it all. Don't get me wrong I really can't wait until I can have that first cocktail again, and feel my head clear away and my muscles relax. Especially since it's my birthday on Tuesday. I may have a little half glass of wine.
Overall some days are better than others, like anything else. Some days I just feel so great, I'm in the best mood, high energy and ready to take on motherhood and the world. Other days, I feel like how in the world am I going to do this, everything feels so monumental and difficult, I feel scared and suffocated. I really just live one day at a time, one hour at a time. I try to do the best I can. Some days that's doing yoga, building a crib, walking 2.5 miles, eating tons of veggies, and being in the best mood while doing it all. Other days I lock myself in the bathroom and cry for a couple hours. That's just how it goes. If I didn't have the hard days I wouldn't appreciate the good ones so much. Which is so true when it comes to almost anything in life. I've learned to love the struggle because that's what makes you stronger and better overall. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, you have to weather the storm to truly understand and appreciate their beauty. But I also see the beauty in the storm too. After all the struggle is what makes us all human. And I want my child to be strong and fierce. I know it will be hard to let her struggle at times, but I do think it's important for her to find her inner strength and her limits. Life is truly a wild ride, we are all on it for better or worse, and we have to just keep moving forward down our own individual path, being the best we can be.
Pregnancy and impending motherhood is my current path. And I'm just doing my best.
