Magnets in a Hurricane.

I'm dead and I'm not dead. Why do I have to be such a dichotomy all of the time?

It gets to be really exhausting. I'm broken and not broken all at once. 

Why am I here? Why am I like this?

I try and try, but it's never enough. I am never enough.

Is it too much? How am I like this? It's bewildering me. I'm lost. I'm a waste.

I can't get it together. I can't make it work.

A twisted vortex of polarities-spinning endlessly-neither end sticking-just reacting to the other.

No path. Just infinite reaction until I finally implode or explode.

I know what I am doing but I can never seem to do it well enough. I just wad myself up and throw it away. The awareness of my opposing forces there from the beginning, which it makes it all the worse that I have yet to grasp any sort of understanding. As if one day I'll just look in the mirror and finally it will make sense. Who am I? What am I about?

Why do I always seem to be in the middle of an existential crisis?

My soul simultaneously whole and broken? How do I fix this?

I fear it all ends the same. I can't relax, I can't stop thinking. The wheels just turn and turn.

I'm a circle, I'm infinite-round and round and round. No end nut also a dead end but also no end.

I'm life and death. Here and not here. It's like trying to see in the pitch darkness. You don't know what you are in until it's too late. You don't know if it is good or bad...It just is.

And you're not ever sure what it is except that IT IS. Which on some level you have to accept. 

That it just is.

And let it go...

Le Petit Soldat.

So I watched Le Petit Soldat a film by Jean-Luc Godard. Here are some quotes I liked:

Narrator: "I'm too old o play an active role. It's time to think things over."

"Where do you come from?

Where are you?

Where are you going?"

<---Up in the Air.

So I have been writing a book for a while the exact details I will keep a secret for now. However I have written a new little piece for it that(I wrote while on a plane on my trip)I feel like sharing here...

I've never traveled this far-alone-before. And I am starting to go a bit crazy. I have a slight ear deformity that makes equalizing the air pressure slightly difficult. My head feels stuffy-I can't quite hear right. My brain is going a little haywire-I'm trying to just take deep breaths. I feel lost in a haze-and so lonely. A hug would help-I need a little tenderness-some gentle pets to calm me down. I'm beginning to feel delirious. Stuffy-stuffy-stuffy. I decide to stretch my legs.

Well some stretching and panicking and I'm feeling better. The flight attendant just brought me a stiff drink-just how I like it. I worry I am running away but I am not. I need a bit of growth, some marination of the heart and soul to refresh my life. This life of mine I felt was flashing a vacancy sign. The problem with being human-feeling. Feeling all the time, mostly suffering. 

A slightly intoxicated woman I would guess to be in her fifties or sixties interrupts me to say I should turn the light on to better see what I am writing. But I like the dark. I can see perfectly well with this faint lighting...but anyways...the world is just going to keep on turning and we must find the strength to keep at it everyday. At least for me, it's difficult to find the hope and strength to get up everyday and try to make a difference. A lot of the time I want to give up-I don't-but boy do I want to. But somehow I grit my teeth and take the pressure. Crossing the dateline and a bit of refreshment moves over me-It's okay to need to regroup. It's okay to need a break from time to time. I find comfort in a quote of Arthur Miller: "Maybe all one can do, is hope to end up with the right regrets." At the moment that one sentence seems like the best things I've ever heard. Probably because I'm concerned I have made mistakes and maybe wasted time. Time, time, time. It'll just keep on going with or without you and you don't get any back. There's no do-overs. What's done is done and if you don't let go and move on you'll be left in the dust. Because even more than this airplane, time flies--->

Ho Chi Minh City & Củ Chi Tunnels-Viva Việt Nam.

Above: cà phê sữa đá a Vietnamese iced coffee with milk-so delicious!!!!!

Below: Phở a Vietnamese soup made with beef, rice noodles, basil, lime, bean sprouts and chili-yummy!!

This is me at the Củ Chi tunnels-crawling in the tunnels and shooting AK-47s

A beautiful night shot of the motorcycles shooting by...the lights are for the Re-unification.

I had an amazing time in Vietnam. It really put things in perspective. I am a lot more "chilled out" so to speak. I used to be stressed all the time and full of anxiety-now I realize how amazing I have had it-none of my loved ones have been killed or suffered, I have a car, I can choose what I want to do for a living, I eat well...We all need to really appreciate everything...

Let's fill this planet full of LOVE!!!!